“The kind of love that means something is always going to be messy.”
It’s the 3rd day of 2014 and I thought to myself, days really pass by so quickly that I know in just a snap, it’ll be a year from now. With daily events no matter how big or small, special or not, meaningful or senseless that occupy our days, activate our bodies and fill our minds, I think it takes some kind of courage and bravery to stop, think, breathe and feel.
Stopping. This doesn’t necessarily means halting what you do. It’s not ending what you have started. I just thought that sometimes it’s good to stop, refreshing even. It’s like pausing from a long run to drink water, like checking how you are doing with that painting, or appreciating the view during a road trip. I believe that when you stop, you have the power to look back not to regret things that have happened or crave for something you can never have again but to evaluate and assess what transpired, what you felt and why you felt it all along. It’s not that you are trying to figure out why all those things happened because clearly you can’t have all the answers. It’s just that I guess for me it’s important to know what were the things that wounded and tore me apart and to be reminded as well of the things that kept me going because all these somehow speak as to why I am here and what I have become. With stopping, I think I am able to take a look at the past that eventually pushes me to move forward towards my future without forgetting of course that I am in the present, that I am actually living the moment.
Thinking. I think a lot. And I believe this is not a bad thing. This makes me realize things, it makes me discover myself more, and it actually makes a clearer view of what I want, where I wanna go and how I want to do things. Thinking helps me grow as a person; it connects me both to the physical and imaginary world, an amazing reconciliation of truth and beautiful imageries of my playful mind. I am very much grateful that I have this reflective mind, that I am able to weigh things, know consequences and draw boundaries. And although this doesn’t immune me from committing mistakes (which in fact I have committed enormously and repetitively), I still take pride of the fact that I understand my mistakes that I have done it and that I should forgive myself like how I would forgive someone who did the same to me. I believe that when you think, when you understand, deeply and wholeheartedly, you are a person who easily connects and feel towards and for others. And this isn’t such a bad thing, right?
It takes some kind of courage and bravery to stop and think which leads to breathing and feeling because when you do look back and use your mind in remembering what happened, how it happened and what you felt, you are confronting the pain you once sensed, the joy you always wanted to relieve, the failures that discouraged you and the memories that marked epic moments of your life. These are roller coasters of emotions that transpired in your past and by looking back at it, you remember, you learn, you accept and you move on.
So, the year has ended huh? Guess this means that I have yet another year to live!
I love how a new year brings the feeling of a fresh start, how it revives dying hopes and relieves past dreams. It’s like you have another shot at those missed goals, chance after failing and more dreams to chase. I love the beauty of it, the color it paints in our wildest imaginations and the noise it radiates in our ears. I love it. I love New Years!
I spent welcoming the year 2014 with my family. You see, January 1 is also my brother’s birthday. It was indeed more special for us. We went singing our hearts out in the karaoke and right when the countdown ended, we went shouting and made noise, jumping, throwing coins and I also went running around the house. They say these are the things you need to do every New Year to attract luck (well, except for the last one. I just did it and it actually felt good). Then, comes the best part to every celebration, EATING. And although we didn’t have much money to spend to buy a lot of food (which nobody would actually eat anyways except us), we were still blessed enough to have sufficient food which by the way were very sinful in good ways (I just meant yummy, okay?) set on our dinner table.
Actually, it was more than enough. 2 days after, we still have food left. I bet those would last for a few more days even. So this is me saying that we don’t really need a lot of food or new things whatever to welcome the New Year or celebrate holidays right. I think it only feels right when you are celebrating it with the right people, the ones you love and value most. Like on birthdays, when you are surrounded by bunch of people who don’t know you or care about you, then what’s the point of celebrating it? Isn’t birthdays supposed to mean that you are someone that somebody cares about and that they are thankful you exist and that they wish you’d have good health and more birthdays to come?
I think that is why new years are great for me. I get to wake up and wait until 12 midnight with the people I care about. It’s like we are leaving the past year and embracing the new one together. TOGETHER, it feels home and I feel happy and safe.
I wished everybody got to welcome the New Year feeling happy. And for those who weren’t able to celebrate it with their loved ones because they have these tough responsibilities to handle, I wish them an understanding heart that they may know they are cared for and that someone is thinking about them and that they have families who waits for them to come home.
Perhaps the best way to celebrate the New Year is to be thankful for the past years and know deep within you that you have a place to return to when you have nowhere else to go, a place where you are loved cared and valued; home.
Fuck you for breaking my heart right before I was about to fall in love with you.
Thank you for breaking my heart right before I was about to fall in love with you.
Now, I will not trust such a pretty face. I will not ignore red flags. I will listen to my best friend. I will continue to love me more than you ever would have been able to anyway. I will champion my fellow sisters. I will lift them up when they are crushed. I will send you warmth in hopes that it can penetrate that shell you only pretended I cracked open. I will not wish you harm, though there is a large list of people who do. I will hope this other person brings you what I could not. I will think of you, at a later point, and wonder how you’re doing. I will…
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First and foremost, realize that it’s over. Realize that, no matter how charming you might be towards authority figures and when meeting new people for the first time, you’re not going to talk your way out of this one. As you tend to do, you had briefly convinced yourself that you could push, and push, and the time would never come when the other would say “enough” and really mean it. But they do mean it, and no amount of sweet-talking or makeup sex or conversations that last until three in the morning and involve crying, laughing, and just a bit of shameless begging are going to help it. They are right — you two aren’t right for each other, and staying together isn’t going to help anyone. But it’s over, and it wasn’t your choice.
And maybe that’s the worst part, that you didn’t choose this (which is rather…
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When you are broken-hearted.
When you have a broken heart, you’ll forget who you are. You’ll lose yourself in the hurt of all the gruesome shards that are stabbing against your lungs and stomach; you’ll be consumed by the sickly feeling you get each time you move and the cuts sting and widen deeper. You’ll cry and beg, and wish you were a different person, a more loveable person, anyone but you. You’ll become obsessed with pitying yourself, intoxicated by this pathetic self-centeredness.
You’ll lie in bed all day and sob. Every little thing will cause your eyes to water. The way the light falls across the empty pillow next to you, the tiny specks of dust circling your face, the pile of clothes that lies limply by your side, discarded in drunken desperation the night before. You’ll force yourself up to drag on a cigarette and with each breath you draw, another tear…
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